Keeley Hawes – The Magnificent 60s

Ties itself up in knots with narrative complication so that by the time it comes to the dumbest of dumb climaxes you’re simply worn out. And having tied itself up in knots, it only escapes from the problem of a son coming to terms with a mother who’s a serial killer by providing him with the most unlikely of get-out-of-jail-free cards. And, actually, by the time you reach the conclusion you realize it’s really about nepo kids, one dumb as all get out and the other a chinless wonder.

Keeley Hawes as Julie the titular murderous mercenary is good value but that’s mostly because she curses like a defrocked nun and is as ratty as hell and her engagement with her estranged son Edward (Freddie Highmore) is like Lethal Weapon on speed.

*Previous (female) assassins we have known.*

So Julie, retired a decade and holed up in Greece, is pulled out of retirement because…she’s closest to potential victim Kayla (Shalom Brune-Franklin) …who is (it turns out) the unlikely girlfriend of unlikely journalist (of what? Rabbit Times?) Edward who is only (it turns out) interested in her because he’s been left a dodgy inheritance by his mysterious father (now deceased) and the trail of that leads to her family.

But not killing Kayla makes Julie the target of various other assassins, but rather than going about their job in discreet fashion by picking her off with a telescopic rifle they decide to barge in on a wedding and massacre everybody in sight in the hope a stray bullet hits her. Luckily though, that provides an opening for local butcher Luka (Gerald Kyd) to become her sometime companion.

Then we leap into a menagerie of subplots. Kayla’s cokehead brother Ezra (Devon Terrell) has mummy issues (she’s deceased, too, mysteriously committing suicide) which (it turns out) is the perfect way for another subplottee Marie (Gina Gershon) to enter the equation. After shagging him to pick his brains she (it turns out) is Edward’s long-lost aunt. Then there’s the mysterious letter, written on yellow notepaper (!!!) kept hidden in a safe by Kayla’s dad, billionaire tycoon Aaron (Alan Dale), which contains information so dangerous it could destroy his business.

Previous (male) assassins we have known.

But (aha!) someone knows the secret, Aaron’s tech expert Jasper (David Dencik) is blackmailing Aaron but is now on the run. Anyways, Kayla discovers the terrible secret which is that Aaron was initially funded by a dodgy arms dealer. To prevent that secret getting out, Aaron had him bumped off 30 years ago by (wait for it) Julie on her first solo killing mission.

Kayla is threatening to expose her dad’s secret though it doesn’t occur to her to just hand the exclusive to Rabbit Times chief investigative reporter Edward. Meanwhile, Ezra spends his time concocting barmy plans majoring in violence that all go south until his exasperated dad gives up all pretence of considering him as just the guy to run the business when the time comes.

Meanwhile, Marie (it turns out) isn’t Edward’s long-lost aunt after all – she’s (wait for it) his long-lost mum. And when Edward finds that hard to believe she kidnaps him and takes him to a stronghold. But (it turns out) Edward’s suspicions are correct.

There’s scarcely a minute goes by without someone bursting in with a machine gun or worse, so it’s no surprise that Julie and Luka (who’s proved himself handy with a meat cleaver) decide to invade the stronghold. And that sets up the preposterous finale.

Marie isn’t Edward’s birth mum at all but her dead husband was his father. Marie didn’t fancy all the messy things pregnancy did to a young beautiful body so they called in a surrogate. But Julie, in the way of Jason Bourne, had a conscience three decades ago when it came to kids and after knocking off Marie’s husband, in the absence of a bottle of milk or any other pacifier to soothe a crying baby, scooped up said infant (Edward).

Marie wants her revenge by having her not-son Edward kill his not-mother Julie. You couldn’t make it up. Yet someone did, presumably as the get-out-of-jail-free card so Edward didn’t have to worry about being the son of a serial killer.

And to show how grown up her is, Edward kills Marie. And as if this was Revenge of the Nepos, Ezra poisons his old man.

Kayla forgets all about exposing the nasty beginnings of her family company and Edward ignores the complications of the serial killer mum and they all (literally) sail off into the sunset.

Written by the Williams Brothers (The Missing, 2014).

The only good thing to be said about this is that it knocks Guy Ritchie off his throne as the King of the Preposterous.

Except for the interviewee being an obliging idiot, this could as easily have turned into an own goal by a BBC desperately trumpeting its values to an indifferent nation that has been wooed away by the streamers. When the top dog is indulged by having her own top dog, a whippet, sitting at her feet everywhere she goes in BBC HQ and the supposed news bosses believe a scoop is snatching someone else’s scoop you’re on a very sticky wicket indeed.

And it’s worth bearing in mind that this show only came about because the person who set up the interview Sam McAlister (Billie Piper) had a severe case of schadenfreude and believing she hadn’t been sufficiently well rewarded wrote a book about the episode and nabs a writing credit here.

There’s not really a sympathetic character in the whole feature, unless you count the 450 journalists being shown the door because the Government won’t let the BBC raise the licence fee to cover its running costs and the BBC refuses to lower the fees it pays its top presenters (who only stay out of the goodness of their hearts because of course they would get richer pickings on commercial channels) to achieve the same end.

The only person who comes close is the sad-eyed Royal PR guru Amanda Thirsk (Keeley Hawes), heart roasted by looking after spoiled man-child Prince Andrew (Rufus Sewell in an ill-fitting face mask) – inclined to throw a tantrum should some housekeeper fail to arrange his battalion of teddy bears in the correct order – and clearly desperate to believe the prince could not possibly be at fault. However, the idea that you would let such a dope loose on Newsnight, facing one of the world’s toughest interviewers in whippet-lover Emily Maitlis (Gillian Anderson), shows remarkably poor judgement, especially when the prince just can’t see what all the fuss was about when he was doing the right thing by standing by his old pal, a convicted paedophile.

Anyone expecting proper investigative journalism or a thrilling narrative up to standards of All the Presidents Men (1976) or Spotlight (2015) – where the journalists actually do the hard work of the digging rather than just regurgitating a story that’s already out there, albeit with a bit more gloss, and the luxury of a one-hour time slot – would be looking in the wrong place.

Wouldn’t it be nice if we had discovered just a little bit more about Bernstein and Woodward’s personal lives, whether they owned dogs or had girlfriends or maybe a sick mother, just to fluff out the story a bit, but luckily Alan J. Pakula had more to worry about than what clothes his Woodward and Bernstein had to wear when confronting their subjects.

The BBC high-ups, when not toddling off to sit in boxes at the opera, come across as up their own backsides. Sam is shown to be an outsider, who, unfortunately, dresses like she’s going clubbing, which gets everyone’s back up, but, red card here, seems surprisingly ignorant of the juicier details of the story she’s investigating.

Netflix has been on a roll with The Crown so presumably thought any story with a royal connection would be equally a ratings winner, not realizing that you still need interesting characters to snaffle the viewers and no number of angst-ridden people is going to cut it.

I can’t vouch for the truth of the impersonations of real characters, but while Gillian Anderson seems to catch the essence of Emily Maitlis, Rufus Sewell’s intonations are very much the actor’s own while the face mask seems to wobble from time to time. Billie Piper got the thumbs-up from Sam. I doubt if Amanda Thirsk would care for her worst PR moment to be dramatized but Keeley Hawes at least lends her gravitas.

Suicide by television is the best way to describe the prince, locked into a self-serving version of himself as charming war hero best suited to modelling Army uniforms glittering with medals. However, it struck me at the time and I was reminded of this omission here, that none of the investigative journalists have sought to investigate the small matter of the Pizza Express alibi. I would have thought it would be relatively easy to establish if Andrew was there on the night in question. Directed by Philip Martin.

This only goes to prove that not only can you lead a horse to water but without much encouragement you can get it to drown itself.

The original interview is better value than this. But we should perhaps thank Netflix for allowing its rival a moment in the sun.

Tag: Keeley Hawes

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